Majedar Tanatan Hindi Jokes

By | May 26, 2016
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NewHindiSMS Aapke liye laya hai Majedar tanatan hindi jokes aur SMS ka khajana, jise padkar aap ho jaonge lot pot, Fir intzar kis baat ka… Haste raho hasate raho aur padte raho NewHindiSMS.com

Kavi sammelan mein ek kavi mahashay apni kavita suna rahe the aur stage ke neeche ek saahab apne haath mein danda liye teji se tehal rahe the, aakhir kavi mahashay se na raha gaya aur wo bol uthe – ‘Bas janab! Yah antim pankti sunakar baith raha hun.’

Wah saahab turant bole: ‘Nahi saahab aap to humarae mehmaan hain, aap to apni kavita shok se sunaiye, main to us insaan ko dhoondh raha hoon jisne aapko yahan bulaya hai.’

***

Tum apni maang mein hare rang ka sindoor kyun lagati ho, vivahit istriyaan to apni maang lal sindoor se bharti hai?’

Mere pati railway me engiene driver hai, jab main lal sindoor lagati hoon to wo mujhe dekh kar ruk jaate hai. Isliye main hara sindoor lagati hoon taki wo muje dekh kar aage badh jaye.

***

Ek saahab cycle pr jaa rahe the, cycle ke piche unka bachha bahot jor se ro raha tha. Usko rota dekhkar ek rahgir ne un saahab se pucha – ‘kamaal hai aapka bachha ro raha hai aap bedhadak chale ja rahe hai.’

cycle sawar ne kaha: ‘ bachhe ko jabardasti rulaya gaya hai kyunki cycle mein ganti nahi hai.’

***

Ek lamba tagda bahot hi mota vyakti darji ki dukan par pahoncha. Darji ne badi kathinai se naap lekar hanfate hue kaha- janaab is sherbani (aachkan) ki silaai ke 100 rupaiye honge.
Parantu tumne to telephone par 50 rapaiye bataye the.
Darji ne pasina ponchte hue kaha: Ji haan bataye the to sherbani ke bataye the shamiyane ke nahin.

***

Sangeet ke guru ne apne shishya se pucha: tum kis ‘Taal’ ke Vishay me adhik jante ho?

Shishya ne turant kaha: Hadtaal ke Vishay mein.

***

Dinesh: Itni teji se kahan jaa rahe ho?

Ramesh: Police station! Mere ghar mein chor gus aaya hai.

Dinesh: Biwi ko akela chod diya?

Ramesh: Nahin, usne chor ko baahon mein jakad rakha hai.

***

Ek vyakti kuch der se ye dekh raha tha ki uski bagal me baitha hua aadmi kuch kah raha hai. Thodi der baad usne use sambodhit karte hue kaha – Shrimaan aap bahot der se mujhse baatein kiye jaa rahe hai, main behra hoon! Jara jor se boliye, taki aapki baatein sun sakoon.

Dusre aadmi ne uttar diya – Shrimaan main aapse kuch nahi keh raha hoon balki chewngum chaba raha hoon.

***

Bas stop par yaatriyon se bhari hui bas ruki to ek police adhikari sawar hua – ek sipahi jo pahle hi yatra kar raha tha, apni seat se uth khada hua.
Use uthte dekhkar police adhikari ne kaha – nahin, nahin tum baithe raho.
Sipahi apni seat par baith gaya. Dusre stop par fir apni jagah se utha lekin adhikari ke kahne par fir baith gaya jab teesra stop aaya to sipahi ne jese hi uthna chaha, adhikari ne dekhte hue kaha –‘ Nahin bhai tum baithe raho.’

Sipahi: Maaf kijiye sir, aapki wajah se main do stop aage nikal aaya hu, mujhe to piche hi utarna tha.

***

Sekhuddhin ki patni Razia apne mata pita ke ghar se sasural aa rahi thi. Train rukte hi Sekhuddhin dibbe me gusa, saara samaan kuli ko saunpaa aur bahar nikalne ki taiyari karne laga. Razia ko yah thanda swagat pasand nahi aaya.

Razia (chidhkar): Jara hans kar mujhe receive kar lete to kya ho jaata? Jara samne wali aurat ki taraf dekhiyeuska miyaan kese has has kar baatein kar raha hai?

Wah apni biwi ko chodne aaya hai, lene ke liye nahin. Sekhuddhin ne thandi saans lekar kaha.

***

Ek saahab ne judge se apni patni ko talaak dene ka kaaran batate hue kaha: ‘Meri patni ne shaadi ke baad se ab tak kewal ek ladki ko janam diya hai. Jabki meri prabal iccha thi ki main ek ladke ka baap banoon.

Patni ne turant uttar diya: ‘Yadi main tumhare bharose par rehti to shayad ek ladki ke baap bhi nahi ban paate.’

***

Ek darshanik ke saath ek sham mania gayi. Sabha ke aakhir me unko bataya gaya ki log unse kuch prashna karna chahte hain, unhone kaha ki log kagaj par likh kar mujhe prashna bheje, main mike par uttar deta hoon. Kai prashnon ke bad ek parchi unke haath me aayi jis par kewal ek shabda likha tha – ‘Gadha!’

Darshanik thodi der hairan rah gaye, fir samajh gaye mamla kya hai, bole – ‘Ab mere paas ek aesa kagaj aaya hai jisme kisi saahab ne apna naam to likh diya hai parantu prashna likhna bhool gaye hain.’

***

Family planning ke doctor ne gaanv ke logo ko jama kiya aur apne bhashan ke bich kaha: ‘Bharat me har 3 minute baad ek aurat bachhe ko janma deti hai aap hi bataiye is bhayanak paristithi par kis prakar niyantran kiya ja sakta hai?’

Bheed me se ek aawaj aai: ‘Pahle us aurat ki talaash karna chahiye.’

***

‘Kya yah sahi hai har vyakti ko marna hai?’ ‘Haan!’

‘Main sochta hoon jo vyakti sabse aakhir me marega use shamshaan kon le jayaega?’

***

Ek baap ne apne nalayak ladke ko daantte hue kaha ki paani sir se uuncha hota jaa raha hai. Us samay unki biwi jo bathroom me tub me naha rahi thi kehne lagi – ‘Darling tum kahan se dekh rahe ho?

Darwaja to band hai.’

***

Beta: ‘Ammi hamein eid ke rupiye chahiye.’

Mummy: ‘Kyun, eid me to bahot din baki hai, kisne kaha ki aaj eid hai?’

Beta: ‘Nahin mummy, aap galat kehti hain, eid to aaj hi hai. Abhi maine dekha papa baju wali aunti se gale mil rahe the.’

***

Jab tumhe naukri par rakha gaya tha, tab tumne kaha tha kit um kabhi nahin thakte aur abhi abhi tum mej par taange pasare so rahe the.

Mere na thakne ka yahi to raaj hai.

***

Sadak par ek aadmi behosh hokar gir gaya, to charo aur bheed lag gayi. Ek saahab chillaye, aree iske munh mein DC-Brandi daal do.

Unhone do teen baar apni baat dohraai, kintu shorgul mein wah baat dab gayi. Thodi der bad behosh hokar girne wala aadmi utha aur yah kah kar fir gir gaya.

Aree koi uski baat bhi sono jo brandi pilane ko kah raha hai.

***

Aakhiri saans lete huye pati ne patni se kaha: Mere marne ke baad tum Amit se shaadi kar lena.

Amit se! Patni ne aascharya se kaha, lekin tum to uske jaani dushman ho.

Pati ne kaha, haan main usse badla lena chahta hoon.

***

Ek shikshak mahoday bahot adhik bhullakad the. Apni ghadi sada baayin jeb me rakhte the. Ek bar bhool se daayin jeb me rakh li aur jab samay dekhne ke liye baayin jeb me hath dala to ghadi nadarad. Unhone ek vidhyarthi se kaha: ‘ Jaao ghar se meri ghdai le aao.’

Fir dayin jeb me hath daal kar ghadi nikali aur kahne lage, abhi 10-20 hue hain 10-40 tak laut aana.

***

Bus main bahot bheed thi. Ek yari ne bhitar gustehue kaha: Uff! Lagta hai bus main jaanwar bhare hain.

Paas hi baithe ek sajjan tapaak se bole: haan saahab sabhi tarah ke jaanwar yahan hai, bas ek gadhe ki kami thi.

***

Jailar – ‘Aaj tumhe faansi di jayegi, bolo tumhari antim iccha kya hai?’

Apradhi – ‘ Meri iccha tarbooj khane ki hai’

Jailar – Abhi tarbooj ki fasal aane main bahot der hai.

Apradhi – Tab tak main intzaar kar lungaa.

***

Pati saari raat gayab rahne ke baad subah jab ghar pahonche to patni ne gusse se kaha,

‘Ab subah ke saat baje tum kisliye aaye ho?’

Pati ne jawab diya, ‘Nashta karne ke liye.

***

Sohan jor se apna vigyan ka paath padh raha tha, jab seb ped se niche gira to newton ko bahot aascharya huwa.

“Isme aascharya ki kya baat thi? Aascharya ki baat to tab hoti, jab seb niche se upar jaata.” Uski choti behan ne use beech mein hi tok kar kaha.

***

Naaku ki school bus ka driver teji se bus chala raha tha, is par naaku ne use toka: – Tum itni teji se bus mat chalao, mujhe darr lagta hai.

tum bhi waisa hi karoge jaisa main arta hoon to tumhe darr nahin lagega. Mod aane par apni aankhein band kar leta hoon. Driver ne naaku ko samjhaya.

***

Ek doctor ne rogi se pucha: kyun kya taklif hai tumhe?

Rogi bola: Doctor saahab, mujhe saans lene me badi dikkat hoti hai.

“Koi chinta ki baat nahin, hum use bilkul rok denge.” Doctor ne tasalli dete hue kaha.

***

Agar din mein surya na nikle to kya hoga? Kisi ne sawal kiya.

”ji, bijli ka kharch badh jayega. Dusre ne jawaab diya.

***

Marij ka nirikshan karte samay doctor ne pucha aap kya peete hain- chaay, coffee, sigrate, sharaab?

“Aap bekaar takalluf kar rahe hain. Main khaa pii kar chala hoon.” Marij ne kaha.

***

Ek pandit ji ke ghar ke smane gadha mara pada tha. Unhone iski khabar nigam ke safai vibhag ko telephone par di.

Karmchari ne majaak mein kaha – Pandit ji, us gadhe ka kriya karm aapko hi karna padega.

Pandit ji – Haan bhai, par gadhe ke sage sambandiyon ko khabar karna bhi mera farz hai.

***

Do gappe baaj hank rahe the.

Pahla: Wah dekho ek Amerikan chaand par utar raha hai.

Dusra: Kya khaak dekhoon, chashma to main chaand par hi chod aaya hoon.

***

Ek darji grahako ke kapde lekar bhaag gaya.

Ek graahak: Aree wah meri patloon le bhaaga.

Dusra: Haay! Wah meri to shart le gaya.

Teesra: Aree janaab, Wah meri naap hi le gaya. Ab main kapde kaise silwaoonga?

***

Seth Ji: Mahatma ji, mujh paapi ko bhi koi achchaa sa updesh dijiye taki mera jivan bhi safal ho jaye.

Mahatma: Tum apne saare karj chuka do.

Seth Ji: Yah baat thik nahi hai. Mahatma ji aap dharm mein dhandhe ki baat na milaiye.

***

Ek kanjoos vyakti apni car lekar gairage mein gaya aur mechanic se bola is gaadi ka horn thik kar do, break kharab hai.

***

Karnal: yah murga kahan se laaye?

Sainik: Ji, churakar saahab.

Karnal: Apne mitra se, Dekha mere jawan chori kar sakte hain par jooth nahi bol sakte.

***

Pheriwala: Chaaku Chooriyan tej kara lo.

Mahila: Kyonji, akal bhi tej karte ho?

Pheriwala : Haan behan ji, agar aapke paas ho to…?

***

Naaku: Main B. A. paas kar loon to tumse shaadi karoonga.

Sangeeta: Tab to mujhe jiwan bhar kunwari hi rahna padega.

***

Judge: Kya tumhara koi gawah hai?

Apradhi: Huzur! Mera gawah to ishwar hai.

Judge: Use katghare me pesh kiya jaye.

***

Judge: Agar tum jooth bologe to kahaan jaoge?

Apradhi: Ji narak mein.

Judge: Agar tum sach bologe to

Apradhi: Ji, Jail mein.

***

Bunty: Papa dharati se sooraj ke beech kitni doori hai?

Papa: Mujhe pata nahin.

Bunty (Gusse se): Aapke agyaan ke kaaran kal mujhe kam aank mile to naraj mat hona.

***

Ek aadmi ne apni umar ka byora dete hue akhbaar mein vigyaapan diya – patni chahiye. Jawab

mein uske paas 200 se adhik purushon ke patra aaye. Unhone likha tha – meri le jaaye.

***

Kutte ka Malik- Saahab yah kutta laakho mein ek hai.

Grahak: Kon jaane ye wafadaar hoga bhi ya nahin?

Kutte ka Malik: Iski wafadaari kya puchte hain aap. Ab tak bees baar bech chukka hoon. Har baar wapis aa jata hai.

***

Pita (Bete se) : Pata hai jab Jawahar Lal Nehru tumhari umar ke the to class ke monitor the.

Beta : Aur jab wah aapki umar ke the to bharat ke pradhanmantri the.

***

Pati (Apni saans se): Aapne to kaha tha ki aapki ladki shakahari hai.

Saans: Pakki shakahari hai beta.

Pati: Ghar par to do-do ghate tak mera dimag khati rahti hai fir shakahari kahan hui?

***

Daaku (Seth se): Bolo seth jaan dete ho ya maal?

Seth: Bhai jaan hi le lo, maal to budhape mein kaam aayega.

***

Daanton ka doctor : Tum pahle kya sunna chahoge, achchi khabar ya buri khabar?

Marij : Achchi khabar.

Doctor : Tumhare daant bilkul theek hai.

Marij : To fir buri khabar kya hai?

Doctor : Tumhare masude itne kharab ho chuke hain ki mujhe saare daant nikalne padenge.

***

Teacher : Naaku, aaj tumne konsa achcha kaam kiya.

Naaku: Sir, aaj maine aur chaar anya ladko ne milkar ek budhiya ko sadak paar karwayi.

Teacher: Shaabaash! Par paanch ladko ki jarurat kyun padi?

Naaku : kyunki wah budhiya sadak ke paar jaana hi nahi chahti thi.

***

Mohan (Sohan se) : Kal mere dada ji pani mein dubki laga kar teen ghante tak andar rahe.

Sohan : Bas! Mere dada ji ne teen saal pahle lagaai thi aura b tak bahar nahin nikle.

***

Malik (Naukrani se) : Teri do aankhein hai, chawal ke kankad theek se nahin chun sakti?

Naukrani (Malik se) : Aapke bhi to pure battis daant hain, ekadh kankad nahin chaba sakte.

***

Kya khana banaya hai tumne, sabji kachchi banai hai aur roti jail hui hai. Pati ne shikayat ki to

patni ne ulahana diya – shadi se pahle tum swayam kahte the ki Prem…………………….! “Andha hota hai,

par itna to nahin ki kachcha, jala bhi na dikhe pati ne baat puri ki.

***

Mummy (Shyam se) : Tum ro kyun rahe ho?

Shyam : Mere master ji bahot bimar the, wah…..

Mummy : Kya wo mar gaye?

Shyam : Nahin, wo theek ho gaye hain, kal se school aane wale hain.

***

Aapne jab almari mein rakha sara samaan bikhra huwa dekha to aapko chori ka sandeh kyun nahi hua? Aapne report likhane mein itni der kyun ki? Thanedar ne ek mahila se pucha.

“Waastav me main yah samjhi thi ki mera pati apni tie dhoondh raha hoga.”

***

Nav Vivahit Pati : Tum itni achchi rotiyan nahi bana sakti, jitni achchi meri maan banaati thi.

Nav Vivahita : Aur tum bhi itna achcha aata nahin goonth sakte, jitna achcha merepita ghoonthte the.

***

Bhabhi: Naaku, aajkal tum kisme ho?

Naaku : Ji, abhi main B.S.C. main hoon.

Bhabhi : Jooth bolte ho, pichale saal to tumne kaha tha ki daswi me ho.

Naaku : Main abhi “Bata shoe company” me hoon.

***

Doctor (Marij se) : Kaho, ab tabiyat kesi hai?

Marij : Ab kuch aaram hai bukhar to toot gaya bas taang me dard hai.

Doctor : Ghabrao mat taang bhi toot jayegi.

***

Rajnitigya (Apni patni se) : Main chunaav haar gaya.

Patni : Bahot bura huwa.

Raajnitigya : Aree achchaa huwa jo main chunaav haar gaya warna muhe to yaad hi nahi raha ki maine

kis kis se kya kya vaayde kiye the.

***

Doctor (5 saal ke bachche se) : Bete yah din me char chammach roj lena.

Bachcha : Lekin doctor uncle, mere ghar to sirf do chammach hai.

***

Maa (Suresh se) : Beta jab dakaar aaye to khan band kar dena chahiye.

Suresh : Maa, agar dakaar nahi aaye to khate rahna chahiye.

***

Ek neta se uski patni ne kaha – Aap log ped lagane par itna jor kyun dete hai? “Jor kyun na doon?

Neta ji ne muskurakar kaha jis ko paane ke liye itni daud dhoop karni padti hai wah ped ki lakdi se hi to banti hai.

***

Patni ne Pati se kaha : Tumhare bina main shopping ke liye nahi jaane wali. Kya itna achcha lagta hai mere saath?

Pati ne khush hokar kaha. “Achchaa wachchaa nahin, yah das kilo ki tokri kon uthayega – Patni boli.

***

Bus bahot der se stand me hi khadi thi. Ek yatri ne tang aakar driver se kaha kyun bhai! Ye khatara kab chalegi?

Driver : Jab kachara bhar jayega.

***

Saloon mein ek mitra : Vakil saahab court me to aap achche achchon ki bolti band kar dete hain, magar nai ki har baat me haan me haan milate jaa rahe ho, aesa kyon?

Vakil : Bhala aese aadmi se vyarth bahas kyon karun jiske kainchi or ustare ke bich mera sir ho.

***

Ek Gappi ( Dusre Gappi se) : Aree tumne suna nahin ek mahila aakash me ud rahe vaayuyaan se niche gir

Dusra Gappi : Haan Haan dhamaake ki aawaaj to mene bhi suni hai.

***

Adhyapak kaksha me chaatron ko padha rahe the, tabhi kisi shararati chaatra ne siti baja di.

Adhyapak ne kadak kar pucha – Kaksha me siti bajane ki himmat kisne ki, Ramesh kahin tumne to nahi bajai.

Ramesh (hadbadakar) Ji- Ji-Nahin sir, main to so raha tha.

***

Grahak (Waitor se) : Ek toast aur laao.

Waitor : Aur kuch janaab.

Grahak : Haan, ek paper weight bhi, kyunki pahla toast to hawa me kahin ud gaya hai.

***

Pati ne Patni ko ek akhbaar me prakashit sachitra samachaar dikhaate huwe kaha “Ye pura parivaar kaanch khane wala hai.”

Patni boli : tumse to thik hai, tum to dinbhar dimaag khate rahte ho.

***

Ram : Kya tumhe pata hai mera kutta das tak ginti jaanta hai.

Shyam : Haan maalum hai.

Ram : Tumhe ye kisne bataya?

Shyam : mere kutte ne.

***

Itihaas ka teacher: bachchon! Jhansi ki rani Lakshmi Bai marte dum tak angrejon se loha leti rahi.

Mohan : Sir, Kya angrej loha bechte the?

***

Pita: Beta, sabse jyada tum kis jaanwar se darte ho?

Beta ji! Bhaalu se aur papa aap?

Pita : Tumhari mummy se beta.

***

Adaalat me sarkari vakil ne kaha : Mi Laurd, apraadhi par ilzaam hai ki usne apni patni ko chidiya ghar ke gahre talaab me dhakel diya, jiski wajah se patni ko magarmachcha kha gaya.

Judge : Kya apraadhi ye baat nahi jaanta tha ki chidiya ghar me jaanwar ko kuch khilane ki manaahi hai.

***

‘Tum sweekar karte ho ki tumne apni biwi ko peeta’ Judge ne pucha.

“Ji hujoor! “ Abhiyukt bola.

“Thik hai tum par das rupaiye das aane ka jurmana kiya jaata hai”

“Hujoor, das rupaiye to samajh me aaye lekin das aane kis baat ke hai?”

“Wah manoranjan kar hai.” Judge bola.

***

Banwari ji ne apne dost ki nav vivahita patni ko dekhkar use ek aur le jakar hairani se bola – “Yaar tune bahot hi chote kad ki ladki se shaadi ki.”

Dost bola – “Banwari ji, musibat jitni choti ho, utni hi achchi hoti hai.”

***

Patni : Priye ye tayar kese panchar ho gaya?

Pati : Ek shishi par chadh gaya tha.

Patni : Kya tumhe shishi nahi dikhai di?

Pati : Nahin wo to us aadmi ki jeb mein thi, jo meri car ke niche aa gaya tha.

***

Amita : Pata nahiis bar sadiyon ke kon konse naye design niklenge?

Ajit : Wahi do, ek jo tumhe pasand nahi aayega aur dusra jise kharidane ke liye mere paas rupaiye nahi honge.

***

Agar aapka hamara yeh post Majedar tanatan hindi jokes pasand aaye to jarur comment karen aur ise apne dosto ke sath jarur share karen.

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